I remember the first time a man said to me “I need you”. He whispered it softly as he hung up the phone. He had told me before that he wanted me, that he missed me, even that he loved me, but needing me, that was something all together different. I smiled as I put the phone down; it was a wonderful thing to hear. Then I stopped for a second and realized he must have been terrified at that moment. Admitting to me, and perhaps to himself for the first time, that his feelings for me had become a needing of me. Maybe they were empty words, but the tone of his voice was tinged with a bit of fear as he said them.
Want, is a base human response, a desire, a craving, to have something. Missing, is a temporary feeling quite easily resolved. Even love is a generous act of giving that requires no reciprocation from another. But needing is something else entirely. Needing is putting yourself into the hands of another, and asking for them to act on your behalf. There is nothing you can do to facilitate someone else’s response to your needs. You are now at their mercy. It is an ultimate act of trust to tell someone you need them.
It’s strange when you think of it, how God created us, intending from the beginning for us to be needy. It’s hardwired into us, and yet, we are terrified of it. “I need you.” Just three little words, but the meaning behind them frightens me. Why? Perhaps because as a man needs a woman, a woman needs a man, and they both want to be needed, the longing for each other goes both ways. I’m strong and independent, yet I am fearful of really needing someone. I desire it, but I go in prepared to be disappointed, denied, left unfulfilled.
God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve, and whether you believe the Bible or not, examining the symbolism of what that says about man is I think a worthwhile endeavor. Man will forever be without, there is always going to be something missing in him a need that only his partner will fulfill. My sister often tells me, “We don’t need a man, Jesus is everything we need.” I understand the reality of Jesus being the answer to all, but I also know God doesn’t do things without a purpose and a plan, and he certainly seemed to have had one with our creation. He may have made Adam first, but he sure had Eve in mind when he did it. There is no other way to explain the differences in the brains of men and women, no other way to explain the male and female genitalia. Human beings can be pretty creative, but it’s fairly evident when you’ve found the plug that fits the socket, some things are just made for each other.
God knew as He created Adam that he was going to create Eve, so why didn’t He create them at the same time? Nowhere else in the Bible to my recollection and especially in the creation story, did God create half of something and finish the rest later – Light from Darkness, Water from Sky, Heaven from Earth. So why did he wait to create Eve? Why also did He create every other living creature including Adam from the dust of the earth, but chose to create Eve directly from Adam himself? I’ve heard all the explanations, it’s so that Adam would try to get his rib back, which is pretty romantic when you think about it. Perhaps it’s true that we are meant to be one, that we are two halves of the same entity searching for each other. Destiny. Scientists have found paired electrons; one negatively charged the other positive. When one of these electrons is “flipped” changed from one polarity to another, the other electron instantly “flips” as well – even, theoretically, when they are millions of miles apart. I wonder, considering that we are all just stardust after all, if some of us are paired like those electrons. The notion may be overly romantic, but it’s a pretty cool idea. Two halves making a whole, needing to find each other to be complete is not the only lesson about relationships that I see in the creation story. Back to the question of why did God wait to create Eve? It seems that God’s plan occasionally require the element of time. Sometimes the gifts that God created for us, even love, are better when they come later than we would like. Just look at Adam.
There Adam is, walking along, talking to God and still, something is not there. There is a different kind of companionship he is in need of, dare I say something was missing, God had it seems, intentionally left something out. We know this because God said it Himself “it is not good for man to be alone.” God had declared everything else He created as good. But He looked at Adam and said he was not complete, “it is NOT good.” I honestly think God wanted man to experience a little time alone, walking in paradise so that when he presented Eve to him, he would suddenly know that something had been missing and his world would explode.
Can you imagine Adam waking up and seeing her for the first time? He had spent, what must have been weeks, naming every plant and animal. He had seen the most unique and beautiful creatures that God had made. He lived in the most beautiful place outside of heaven. But he wakes up one morning to find, an exquisite, ravishing creature standing before him. Just think about being a fully functioning adult male and seeing a woman for the first time in your life, and not only is she the most stunningly beautiful of all creatures, she’s naked! Seriously naked! I’m sure most of you remember the first time you saw the opposite sex naked. You’d probably seen a little bit here, a little bit there, perhaps in a painting or maybe a magazine? Now imagine poor Adam, he hadn’t seen the hint of a breast under a white t-shit, or a bit of thigh under a mini skirt, just BAM, hot naked chick right in front of him. The boy was seriously cooked, and if that doesn’t prove God’s infinite love for man, I can’t help you. Don’t you think God took great joy in watching this? I imagine him as a father, giving his son a gift, watching him receive it, and knowing how much more joy was to come. I wonder if he whispered from behind a tree, “You can touch her too.” He had just given Adam everything that had been missing in him, the reason for every one of his physical senses, was Eve. It had to be one of the greatest moments for God as well as Adam.
Adam must have said, “Here, in front of me is the reason I was made!” I think God waited because he wanted Adam to feel the need for her first. The need for something that didn’t even exist yet, so that when it was given he would never forget, that he had been “alone” – without, but now his needs were being met by this enchantress. I think God wanted Adam to forever remember, to know, what it was like before her. I wish we could all live that moment again. Before you met your love, do you remember the need, the longing for them? Do you remember knowing, believing in the passion before you ever met? And when you found them, did you have a realization that this person God has put directly in front of you, was everything you never knew you needed? Perhaps they fulfilled a desire you didn’t know was inside you before them.
I wrote something quite a while ago about what I desire, something I think should probably be burned but the idea of it remains real to me. I want a broken man.
Not a man crushed under the weight of the world, not one who has accepted the idea that he is not worthy of love, or sees himself as less than he truly is. But a man who has been tested, who has sacrificed himself for another, broken himself against the rocks. Given himself completely, freely to God’s will. Only such a man can admit that he is in need and live there in the place a woman dwells – where she is needed. A truly broken man is stronger, wiser, more mature, and definitely more desirable to a woman than a man untested. He stands like an ancient oak tree. You can see the scars of the fires it has survived, you see evidence of the storms it has weathered in the branches shorn off by the wind. But any one needing shelter from a storm, to rest in the shade, or to find strength to build a home, will chose it’s bent and twisted trunk over towering straight young pines any day.
Give me a broken man, and I will show you the makings of a Godly one.
It is painful to be broken, to grow, but it is a necessity. Think about a potted plant, if it’s growing it will eventually need to be repotted. If it’s not repotted one of two things will happen. Its roots will begin to intertwine into themselves, the outward growth will cease, the plant will become sick and will eventually die. The other possibility is, as the roots grow big enough, they will break through and destroy the pot that binds them. Growth is painful, but it’s necessary for those roots to push, to break out of their confines, only then will it survive. Strength comes from brokenness.
In the movie “Shadowlands” after C.S. Lewis’ wife dies, he takes his stepson to a place that was special to them both. There is no escape for either of them now from the pain. But he makes it clear to the boy that given the option, he would still choose the pain, because to deny the pain is to deny the love. “The pain now is part of the happiness then, that’s the deal. The boy chooses safety, the man chooses pain.”
It’s hard to admit weakness, we try so desperately to appear strong to every one around us. Admitting we need someone definitely does not imply strength in our culture, though I think that is exactly what it is. “I need you.” If you’ve discovered that person I consider you to be blessed. Admit it, and you’re on your way. Accept it, tell them and you’ve found freedom. The freedom to be real, to be honest. To love and be loved without conditions. There will always be some pain in loving, there will always be risk in needing, but love will always, always be worth the risk.
